Image copyright Bill Watterson 

2008, I mean.

Oh, good.

. . .  

I suppose I owe everyone an explanation. 

. . .

2007 was, in many ways, the worst year i can remember.  On a practical level, nothing’s really changed, but at least it’s over.

Around the time of my father’s death, my life fell apart.  In the same week, I lost all my savings, my laptop quit working, and, of course, there was his death.  Following, I might add, a years’-long catastrophic illness, during which I, four years ago, chucked my home, friends, career, lover, life, in order to move 2,000 miles across the country to live in my parents’ tiny house and help take care of him. I was at a crucial point in my career, but I gave it up.  I was buying a house, but I gave it up.  I was not well-off, but at least I had an income, but I gave it up.  And I took an incredible amount of shit from one particular sibling - just how much I had no idea until after her death last year, when the lies all came out.

I spent months without a working computer.   Not only no blogging, but no work.  Not that it mattered, since my biggest institutional client jerked me around for four months waiting for my alleged contract and then ultimately skipped on me.  No, there’s no legal recourse.  It doesn’t matter; I wouldn’t work for that person now for all of Halliburton’s billions.

Mom’s health is worse.  The stress of dealing with Dad; the aftermath of last year’s stroke; and the never-ending money worries (Dad’s death halved her Social Security).  My own health has gotten so bad that I couldn’t work for someone else if I tried; there’s not a moment, waking or sleeping, that I’m not in pain.  No, disability isn’t an option; ask anyone with autoimmune diseases who’s tried to fight that particular battle.

You know, I’ve been poor before.  In fact, I’ve been poor most of my life, both as a child and as an adult.  But I’ve never been so completely broke.  Savings and checking?  Both in deficits, literally.  No matter how broke I’ve been, at least before I’ve had some source of income, however small.  At least then it was simply a matter of constant juggling, always trying to decide which bill to pay this month and which to leave until next time.

Now, there’s nothing.  And I’ve never been so terrified in my life.  Every single day, every single minute.  Because I have to worry about Mom, too.  And it’s just me.  I’m it.

In less than two years, we’ve had three deaths in the family, as well as that of a close family friend.  We’ve had repeated illnesses, injuries, hospitalizations (my parents, not me).  No, no one had insurance - no health insurance, no life insurance.  We’re still paying for all the fallout from my sister’s death last year (which was really a years’-long suicide, given her diabetes and her drinking).  No, no insurance, no will, no assets.  Just a mountain of debt.

And those weren’t to be the only losses. 

On September 30, we had to send one of the dogs (one of the BF’s dogs, to be exact) on her final journey.  We found out, much too late, that due to certain parties’ negligence with regard to medical treatment, her poor body was riddled with tumors.  On her last day, she had a stroke, and we no longer had a choice.   

And I’ve had one more loss - one that still cuts too close to the bone for me to write about it. 

I haven’t blogged because I couldn’t.  There’ve been times when I’ve literally wanted to give up - completely.  I’ve never felt like that before.  But 2007 left me trapped.  Absent winning the lottery (yeah, like I can afford a ticket anyway), there’s no way out. 

So next time a politician - particularly a Rethug one, but any of the whores, frankly - starts talking about responsibility, and ownership societies, and how great the economy is, or any of that happy horseshit, remember that it’s all crap.  Too many of us are one step away from losing everything.  Some of us have already lost everything.  I suppose the good news about that is that at this point, there’s nowhere else to go but up.

This will, I hope, be the only post like this you ever see here.  And the only reason it’s here now is to explain my six-month absence from polite society.

The good news is that at least I have place to live.  I can’t pay my bills, but at the moment, I don’t have to worry about housing or food.

The other good news is that it’s 2008.  Completely arbitrary as far as choosing a date for a new year, but it’s what we’ve got, so I’ll take it.  And beginning with the next post, you’ll see a shift in certain topics.

For now, apologies to any of you who’ve been stuck reading this.  This is my farewell to 2007, and its entire toxic atmosphere.  I’m done.

No looking back.